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so you wanna be a princess?

October 15, 2007

a long, long time ago

in a travesty far, far away . . .

. . . back in the day, when the most vicious thing a princess had to worry about was people sneaking peas under her mattress, it might’ve been considered a cushy gig.

but in an age of energy weapons and gangster slugs, princessing ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

so, for those of you who might be considering royalty as a career, today we are going to take a look at one of the better known models of princessing in the modern age ::

princess leia skywalker organa solo, expatriate of aldaran, former senator, and leader of the rebel alliance against the empire.

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of course, we’ll always best remember her as the snotty brat princess who scowled up @ darth vader from behind the shield of her cinnabon hairdo

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but lets not forget down and dirty trashy princess

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or tactical princess, leading the forces of good from an oober kewl command center

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or even battle princess, toughing it out on the the ice planet (in full makeup, hair neatly coiffed)

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or mingling on the front lines in camouflage poncho and matching headgear

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which of course led to her becoming the faerieforest princess

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…..yup, a princess wears many hats coifs

of course, it’s not all battles and mucking about in creepy trash compactors. there is also the more elegant side of being a princess.

standing in @ awards ceremonies

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and playing the pretty diplomat for billy dee williams

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obviously, he didn’t see the first movie, or he’d never have ticked her off

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yeah, ya really gotta watch this one for attitude

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but then, in the princessing world, attitude pays off.

princess leia became so popular that they made her a toy

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and featured her likeness on stamps

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she even got to play the lead role in tim burton’s liberal remake of the wizard of oz: munchkin day massacre

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but her most popular move by far was her happy nakkee phase

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allegedly, the princess was a captive during this phase, but that’s just plausible deniability in action.

i mean, c’mon – is this the face of an unwilling hostage?

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not a hair out of place

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of course, they teach that in princess school, so it doesn’t really prove anything here

so, what’s princessing without a little romance?

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leia, like many famous princesses throughout history, chooses to begin with incest

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(sick sick b!tch)

dude, that’s your brother you’re playing tonsil hockey with!

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unfortunately, being the honest lad that he is, luke breaks it off and remains inconsolable.

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but, ya can’t let the overly moralistic country boy slow you down

and it is about this time that our princess lets herself be *kidnapped* by the local drug lord.

he showed her the sights

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it was a whirlwind romance

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but when your possessive ex boyfriend with mind powers and a laser sword is also your big brother, affairs with gangsters aren’t likely to last

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(is it just me, or does she seem a tad reluctant to be *rescued*?)

a little peeved at being swept away from her sugar daddy by her uppity little twit of a brotherlover, the princess retaliates by going after his best friend.

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things seem to be going well

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the best friend even has a fuzzy sidekick to pal around with when he’s away

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of course, brotherlover’s friend has his suspicions about the princess – after all her last boyfriend was a giant space slug

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but it still comes as a shock when he eventually catches them red handed

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he, too, is inconsolable

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and the princess wonders why all the men in her life are such whiny babies.

but, like any princess, leia has her mechanical backup to tide her over for just such an eventuality

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but wookies are not known for their tolerant natures, and chewbacca reacted less than rationally.

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for your typical princess, the tale could end here with this list of tragic loves gone awry, but leia is not your typical princess.

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from the first moment we see her, this princess is packing heat

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it quickly becomes clear, however, that she’s not going to keep up with the big boys wielding her princess-issue pea shooter.

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bigger guns, however, prove too heavy

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but clock a little time with her personal trainer and she’s a regular ram-babe.

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at least until her friends find out her dirty little secret.

princesses shoot with their eyes closed

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and they take her guns away

in a princessy huff, leia gets herself a thermal detonator – you can use that without your eyes open, she rationalizes.

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after coming close to killing them all with that little toy, her friends relent on the gun thing, but scale her back to something a little more ladylike – convincing her that it goes better with her coif

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so, what’s a good little princess to do, stuck in a relationship with a controlling wookie, her toy broken, her friends not trusting her with real guns and . . . oh yeah . . . turns out her father is the dark overlord of the universe.

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what else is there to do?

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. . . but go on over to the dark side

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. October 15, 2007 10:08

    LOL. . . priceless. You’re bound to get some unexpected traffic with this post.

  2. October 15, 2007 10:34

    probably. keywords, keywords, keywords.

  3. October 15, 2007 10:55

    Great! Only problem is I’ve never seen the original Star Wars with this Leia, only the first one with Natalie Portman and half of the second one, so I don’t truly know if Leia’s that much of a slut or this a wild tale spun from the mind of Brahnamin.

    I love how you make the pics all grainy too!

  4. October 15, 2007 10:58

    I bow to your photo greatness… Another fun and awesome post.

  5. October 15, 2007 11:50

    @ Jackie Lou –
    you may rest assured that anything you find in this blog is born more of my own twisted ramblings than anything even remotely resembling actual events.

    you may also rest assured that your life will never be complete as long as it is devoid of the original trinity . . . soooo much better than the johnny come latelies.

    @ sky –
    smo0o0o0o0och

  6. October 17, 2007 19:49

    speaking of the photo greatness . . . what do you do your photo work in? do you have a scanner?

    I’m asking because I need something done and I’ll pay. Email me.

  7. October 17, 2007 20:04

    i use photoshop.

    sometimes i scan things in (usually my own artwork to finish off in photoshop), or download direct from a digital camera.

    and, of course, i snag many images online, like these from the star wars movies.

  8. John permalink
    October 21, 2007 16:50

    Bloody Brilliant!

    You have brought back happy memories of a 14 year-old boy in the rural nothing-ness of Oregon who has just seen ‘Return of the Jedi’ for the first time.

    … and every time I watch it now on DVD (super slo-mo!)

  9. October 21, 2007 17:33

    LoL – yeah, the bronze bikini turned the heads and hearts of a generation

  10. October 21, 2007 17:33

    not to mention what it did to our pre-pubescent peckers

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