so you wanna be a princess?
a long, long time ago
in a travesty far, far away . . .
. . . back in the day, when the most vicious thing a princess had to worry about was people sneaking peas under her mattress, it might’ve been considered a cushy gig.
but in an age of energy weapons and gangster slugs, princessing ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.
so, for those of you who might be considering royalty as a career, today we are going to take a look at one of the better known models of princessing in the modern age ::
princess leia skywalker organa solo, expatriate of aldaran, former senator, and leader of the rebel alliance against the empire.
of course, we’ll always best remember her as the snotty brat princess who scowled up @ darth vader from behind the shield of her cinnabon hairdo
but lets not forget down and dirty trashy princess
or tactical princess, leading the forces of good from an oober kewl command center
or even battle princess, toughing it out on the the ice planet (in full makeup, hair neatly coiffed)
or mingling on the front lines in camouflage poncho and matching headgear
which of course led to her becoming the faerieforest princess
…..yup, a princess wears many
of course, it’s not all battles and mucking about in creepy trash compactors. there is also the more elegant side of being a princess.
standing in @ awards ceremonies
and playing the pretty diplomat for billy dee williams
obviously, he didn’t see the first movie, or he’d never have ticked her off
yeah, ya really gotta watch this one for attitude
but then, in the princessing world, attitude pays off.
princess leia became so popular that they made her a toy
and featured her likeness on stamps
she even got to play the lead role in tim burton’s liberal remake of the wizard of oz: munchkin day massacre
but her most popular move by far was her happy nakkee phase
allegedly, the princess was a captive during this phase, but that’s just plausible deniability in action.
i mean, c’mon – is this the face of an unwilling hostage?
not a hair out of place
of course, they teach that in princess school, so it doesn’t really prove anything here
so, what’s princessing without a little romance?
leia, like many famous princesses throughout history, chooses to begin with incest
(sick sick b!tch)
dude, that’s your brother you’re playing tonsil hockey with!
unfortunately, being the honest lad that he is, luke breaks it off and remains inconsolable.
but, ya can’t let the overly moralistic country boy slow you down
and it is about this time that our princess lets herself be *kidnapped* by the local drug lord.
he showed her the sights
it was a whirlwind romance
but when your possessive ex boyfriend with mind powers and a laser sword is also your big brother, affairs with gangsters aren’t likely to last
(is it just me, or does she seem a tad reluctant to be *rescued*?)
a little peeved at being swept away from her sugar daddy by her uppity little twit of a brotherlover, the princess retaliates by going after his best friend.
things seem to be going well
the best friend even has a fuzzy sidekick to pal around with when he’s away
of course, brotherlover’s friend has his suspicions about the princess – after all her last boyfriend was a giant space slug
but it still comes as a shock when he eventually catches them red handed
he, too, is inconsolable
and the princess wonders why all the men in her life are such whiny babies.
but, like any princess, leia has her mechanical backup to tide her over for just such an eventuality
but wookies are not known for their tolerant natures, and chewbacca reacted less than rationally.
for your typical princess, the tale could end here with this list of tragic loves gone awry, but leia is not your typical princess.
from the first moment we see her, this princess is packing heat
it quickly becomes clear, however, that she’s not going to keep up with the big boys wielding her princess-issue pea shooter.
bigger guns, however, prove too heavy
but clock a little time with her personal trainer and she’s a regular ram-babe.
at least until her friends find out her dirty little secret.
princesses shoot with their eyes closed
and they take her guns away
in a princessy huff, leia gets herself a thermal detonator – you can use that without your eyes open, she rationalizes.
after coming close to killing them all with that little toy, her friends relent on the gun thing, but scale her back to something a little more ladylike – convincing her that it goes better with her coif
so, what’s a good little princess to do, stuck in a relationship with a controlling wookie, her toy broken, her friends not trusting her with real guns and . . . oh yeah . . . turns out her father is the dark overlord of the universe.
what else is there to do?
. . . but go on over to the dark side