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100 Things About Me

“There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.”

– Bertrand Russell

 

1. I am not the original bastard. But he did supply half of the genetic material that went into making me.

2. In eighth grade on the next to last day of school I punched a kid because another kid dared me to. They suspended me for the last day of school. Yeah, I got an extra day of summer vacation for busting another kid in the jaw. I lied to my mother and told her the guy had been calling her names.

3. I picked my first car because it was red and black – my senior class colors. It was a Ford Pinto. I was an idiot. Youth truly is wasted on the young.

4. My first puppy bit through my lip when I tried to pet him while he was eating. I still have the scar. Sometimes I lie about where I got it. My dad kicked the sh!t out of that dog. I never saw it again.

5. My father abandoned our family when I was 4 years old. My brother had just been born. When my mom took us to visit him he wouldn’t open the door. Like the dog, I never saw him again. When I was 18 he committed suicide (.45 caliber lead poisoning). He rotted in his truck for two weeks on a dirt road somewhere in North Carolina. It was late July. Needless to say, it was not an open casket funeral. My only real regret is that in all that time I never managed to find a way to let him know I didn’t hate him for leaving us.

6. A few years after my father’s funeral my brother went and pissed on his grave. I’ll never tell him how proud I am of him for that.

7. I once drank bong water to keep my brother from getting in trouble with our mom. I didn’t know it was bong water before drinking it. I thought it was vodka. Tasted like licking the devil’s own @sshole.

8. Contrary to the implication in point #7 I have never actually licked the devil’s @sshole. I have, however, taken Nyquil™ (the wicked green stuff from the Roswell crash, not that newfangled cherry crap), so I still feel I’m qualified to make the comparison.

9. I hate driving on one-way streets in unfamiliar towns.

10. I frequently yell at inanimate objects.

11. I loathe hip-hop.

12. I consider shampoo an acceptable substitute for soap and have used it as such for years. I secretly suspect that Irish Spring’s™ Hair and Body Wash doesn’t have any ingredients that regular shampoo doesn’t have. Somebody just beat me to a lucratively marketable idea. I no longer use soap or shampoo. I should blog about that one day.

13. I was using the word prerogative at least a decade before Bobby Brown sang about it. If you are a fan of Bobby’s you probably won’t like my blog.

14. I am afraid of heights. Ish. Technically, I am afraid of unstable heights. Like ladders. I hate ladders. And I’m not too comfortable on slanty roofs or in tree branches. But I’m fine on a flat roof or the edge of a cliff.

15. I am more likely to eat junk if no one is around or if someone is there eating it with me. Alone or Accompliced. That’s my cheat-pattern.

16. Some of the memories of things I read as a child are better than my actual childhood memories.

17. A psychologist (whom I was seeing against my will as a condition of parole) once diagnosed me as passive-agressive. I got her to throw me out of her office and tell me never to come back that same visit. Funny that someone so obviously good at reading people should be so easily manipulated.

18. I once sent an 11 year old child to be ambushed by teenagers. I was little more than a teenager myself. That kid trusted me and I completely betrayed him. I didn’t know what a child’s trust was worth back then. I didn’t know it was sacred.

19. I am the toughest guy my kids know. And they are beginning to emulate me. I am proud of that.

20. I am Polish. Built like an moss-covered tree stump and twice as stubborn.

21. I married a tall dutch chick with legs clear to here and an @ss that just won’t quit. Yeah. I don’t know what she sees in me either.

22. I have never owned a brand new car. I hope I never will.

23. There should be a special place in hell for people who compose word problems for math tests, a place where they are forced to memorize great works of literature – in binary – while tied to a railroad track upon which two trains are approaching from opposite ends of the country at variable speeds. Okay, so that wasn’t about me. I just hate word problems. There, now it’s about me.

24. I own sex toys. I do not, however, own a sex toybox. I wonder if there might be a market for something like that.

25. My desk is a monument to entropy and could be included in text books as pictorial evidence of the concept.

26. I was once addicted to soda. I regularly drank more than 15 20-oz bottles a day. I am actually quite amazed my kidneys still function.

27. When the cops finally caught up to me, I found myself facing down 9 guns through the only door in a small seedy hotel room. Then I found myself facing down the carpet with cold steel pressed to the back of my skull. I didn’t piss myself. I’m rather proud of that.

29. Carrie Fisher in a bronze bikini chained to a giant talking slug is still hotter than any 10 Hollywood Stick Figures Starlets  the new millennium has thusfar produced. Erm. Not about me again. Um . . . I’m a dirty old man. There.

30. I can throw a knife – any knife – up to range of about 30 feet and hit what I’m aiming at pretty much every single time.

31. I only cheat at solitaire when I play.

32. My first kiss was of the french variety. I initiated both the kiss and the frenchiness. Guess I was a dirty young man, too.

33. I married the first woman I had sex with . . . 14 years, countless breakups, several engagements, 4 girlfriends, and 1 marriage (hers) after we first met. Yeah, we’ve already established I was an idiot. Marrying her was the best thing I ever (finally) did.

34. I have broken all 10 of the biblical 10 commandments.

35. I once flew in a plane partially held together by duct tape. ( Idiot status aside, I didn’t have much choice. There were marshals with guns and I was shackled to an iron ring in the floor of the plane at the time ).

36. I’m pretty good at spotting recurring patterns. For instance, I know when my wife starts any sentence with the word “Honestly” – she’s about to lie to me.

37. I consider underwear to be optional clothing. On women I consider it completely dispensable [Link NSFW].

38. Sometimes I prefer books to people. And I find I have a hard time relating to people who don’t love books. Likewise, I have a hard time following a book that isn’t ultimately about people.

39. I once gave a roadside panhandler a $100 bill. The money was stolen. He went straight to KFC with it. I don’t think he’d have cared if he knew.

40. Between the time I was arrested and the time I was sentenced every Commonwealth’s Attorney in Spotsylvania county had a hand in trying my case at at least one hearing.

41. The best lawyer I ever had was a public defender. So was the worst. No, they were not the same guy.

42. I have no sympathy for emo kids. Really, I don’t.

43. My hair began turning grey when I was 18. It is now a silvery white and has been for over a decade. I am not yet 40 years old. On a side note: Because the word first made an impression on me while reading J. R. R. Tolkein’s Lord of the Rings, I still spell the word grey with an *e* (which is proper in England) instead of an *a* (which is proper in America). I secretly suspect this drives my spellchecker crazy.

44. I don’t think Jodie Foster is (or ever was) hot enough to kill a president over.

45. I don’t think all terrorists wear turbans. In fact, anyone who points a gun and makes demands is a terrorist, for he is counting on your fear to gain compliance. Otherwise he’d just shoot you and take what he wants.

46. It’s not just for lettuce and cardboard. People are compostable, too.

47. My eyes change color according to my mood. Bright blue if I am very happy (and/or just got laid), greenish-blue when I’m content, pale grey when I’m sad, darker grey when I’m angry, nearly black when I am furious. On my drivers license it just says “hazel”. The DMV doesn’t know the real me.

48. I have broken more laws than I have been caught for breaking.

49. I sometimes tell the exact truth because I know it will not be believed.

50. My favorite movie line of all time comes from one of the worst movies of all time: “Are they [girlscout cookies] made from real girlscouts?” Bonus nerd-points if you can name the movie and the actress and tell me why she was much nakeder better in Black Snake Moan [Link NSFW – for real this time].

51. I usually pronounce initials phonetically. For instance, I call “KFC” K-F*ck.

52. I don’t know if I invented the game Catch-A-Kitty, but I’m sure I’ve perfected it. On an interesting side-note, cats don’t like this game nearly as much as babies like the game Catch-A-Baby (the game from which Catch-A-Kitty is derived). Most of my friends won’t let me hold their babies. Or their cats.

53. Through careful scientific experimentation I have discovered that, while they do have a good success ratio, cats do not in fact always land on their feet.

54. I built a time machine. But it only goes forward. At regular speed. Okay, I stole that line from Demetri Martin.

55. I give credit when I plagiarize. It confuses them long enough that I can get away. What? It’s worked so far.

56. I don’t get Facebook. But I’m on it. I now get Facebook. I am no longer on it.

57. I carry a knife with me wherever I go.

58. I once had sex on a playground that was being built behind my apartment complex. I’ve had better sex since then (coincidentally with the same woman), but the playground sex held the title for nearly a decade.

59. I have never liked licorice.

60. I absolutely love oral sex. There is no more intimate act on the planet. No, I am not going to post a link with this one.

*sigh*

Okay, fine. NSFW. Pervs.

(And remember, ladies, laughter is still the best form of birth control. – Robin Williams)

61. I once slept with a man’s wife and stole his gun. The former for purely frivolous reasons, the later for purely practical ones.

62. Given the choice between being a great man and a good one, I would prefer good. Though such titles are only applicable in a given moment. Judged over the course of a lifetime no man will ever be deemed great or good save that people will tell the lie for fear of speaking evil of the dead.

63. My ultimate purpose in being hard on my kids is to teach them to stand up to me. It is a right of passage without which adulthood is rendered all but meaningless. That said, I still let them see me cry. I pay attention to them. And I never let them wonder how much I really care. After all, I want them to turn out strong and independent – not broken and sociopathic.

64. I would kill to protect my family.

65. I pray a lot. I suspect it’s the reason I’m still breathing.

66. I was once evicted from the state of Georgia by a state trooper because he didn’t want to deal with the mountain of paperwork arresting me would have bought him.

67. I whistle Christmas carols year round. It feels weird to hear people join in in December.

68. I think women’s clothing looks best on the floor. Though, come to think of it, I don’t know why I hold that opinion. Once it hits the floor I’m no longer looking at it.

69. I almost never blog naked.

70. The most unusual place I’ve ever had sex is on a stainless steel prep table in a restaurant kitchen. No, I shan’t be providing a link. I mean it this time.

71. I cannot think of a single land mammal I am afraid of. Not even him. However, there are critters I’m careful of in most of the rest of the animal kingdom. But not birds. I’m not afraid of birds. Not even ruthless kingfishers.

72. I have a tattoo on my arm. I got it when I was in college. I regret getting it. Because it is now in the way of the tattoo I really want to get.

73. I am naked under my clothes. You are too. Just sayin’ . . .

74. Nothing smells better than clean human skin under a hot sun. Hrm. Not about me again. I am olfactorily fixated.

75. I don’t care for sushi. Nice table though.

76. I have never had sex with a man. I probably never will. I am supremely okay with that.

77. My greatest fear is that my wife will one day come to her senses and leave me.

78. My favorite meal is seared New York Strip with garlic butter and sauteed baby mushrooms. Add a lobster tail or scallops on the side with jasmine butter and I’m in primal heaven.

79. I cannot juggle.

80. I make really good chili. Usually.

81. I usually can’t stand other people’s children.

82. I once fractured a guy’s wrist and sprained another guy’s ankle with my head. (See #20).

83. I know how to make a dreamcatcher. My wife taught me how to make them.

84. I own a broken sword. It was not my father’s (or any other ancestor) and there are no mystical prophecies regarding me or the blade. Fantasy literature has really let me down.

85. As an ex-con I am not allowed to run for any state office. But there is no law barring me from running for President of the United States. However, you may rest assured, I have no plans to do so.

86. I know more than my doctor about proper nutrition and diabetes – so I no longer listen to him on either subject. Which is only fair, since he refuses to listen to me.

87. I never snitched on another inmate in prison. I never snitched on anyone outside of prison either.

88. I can fold my tongue in half in both directions (along the length and across the breadth) . . . but not both at the same time.

89. I can also wiggle my ears.

90. My favorite season is Autumn. I love the cold crisp air, the taste of apples on my tongue, and the smell of pipe tobacco in the air. Though these days you have to be at the Ren Faire to get all three at once.

91. A trip to the Ren Faire is the coolest birthday present I’ve ever gotten. My wife gave it to me. We didn’t take the kids. Heaven.

92. I could stare at a Christmas tree for hours.

93. My wife flashes me regularly. This is one of the coolest perqs of my married life. And again, no, I’m not putting up a link.

94. My wife is now blushing. 😳

95. I once held my breath under water for 6 minutes.

96. I prepped 30 lbs of fresh salmon for Dave Matthews’ caterer.

97. I once hooked up with my date’s best friend when my date fell asleep on me.

98. I passed lifeguard training by pulling my instructor underwater to subdue her before swimming her to safety. She was f*cking furious, but I was one of only 3 [in a class of 12] who was able to bring her in at all.

99. I once lost a job for throwing a knife into a door jamb just as my boss came walking through the door. I’d do it again. The look on his face when that knife plunked home half a foot from his ear was bloody well worth more than whatever he was paying me. As a side note, I’m really glad I didn’t accidentally kill him.

100. In the summer of 1989, while working as the maintenance supervisor at a summer camp on the Delaware river, I noticed that if I reached out to gypsy moths that they would flutter over and land on my outstretched hand. I spent the better part of that summer showing this *talent* off to campers and other staffers. In the fall of 2009, while watching animal planet, I learned that moths and butterflies really dig lapping up human sweat. Took me from *special* to *short-bus special* just that quick.

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