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Monday Me :: Thin Fantasy

June 22, 2009

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On my Bio page I describe myself as a “thin man in a fat man’s body” (yeah, cliche alert, I know), but I suppose that’s not quite accurate.

Perhaps normal would be a better word than thin.

I see myself as normal. Which is ironic, because everyone knows there’s no such thing. But that’s how I feel. I “know” I’m fat. But I don’t feel fat.

Still, in some of my darker moments, when the world had shoved my face into in a big steaming pile of just how unacceptable I am, I’ve given in to the “thin fantasy.”

You know the one: Where you reenvision your body in pristine godlike perfection and all your troubles melt away with your fat. Yeah. That one.

Only, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, is it? That’s the trouble with fantasies. They’re controlled mental contructs. In the real world it’s a different story.

Honestly, think of the most f*cked up person you can think of. Amy Winehouse? Paris Hilton? Lindsey Lohan? An Olsen Twin?

Thin does not necessarily equate to happy. Or even beautiful for that matter.

And I think that that’s the mistake we so often make. We confuse a physiological state with a psychological state and assume the one can be a bandaid for the other. And it can’t.

I find the experiment I am currently in both engaging and enlightening. But I hold no illusions. The physical is just the physical. Even taking the lofty high road and insisting that I’m doing it for my health (which I am, actually, but I hope to get smaller, too – those amusement park rides that I don’t normally fit on are calling me 😉 !) it still doesn’t change the very basic fact that physical health and form are not a substitute for real life.

They’re more like a single facet in a badly flawed gem.

And it would be a mistake to put all my focus on that one cracked facet because it can only give me a distorted image of the whole.

If I don’t step back and look at my life from every angle I will never have a clear picture of who or what I am, only a distorted funhouse image that doesn’t come close to the real depth and truth of things.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 23, 2009 08:46

    Profound thoughts. It got me thinking whether I have thin fantasies. I feel so uncomfortable all the time at this weight. Physically uncomfortable.

    Today I sit 23lbs away from my ‘comfortable’ weight. (I have to find a word to describe it that isn’t ‘normal’ lest I offend someone.) But I feel huge.

    I don’t feel that I look huge, I just feel huge. My clothes are always tight, even the baggy ones. (now that I’m down 12 lbs, I have baggy clothes, it’s cool) I also feel slow & … lumbering.

    But, back to your topic. (oh, my, I brought some whine to your blog, sorry) I remember being thin, it was not a barameter for my happiness. I just looked different. There were many times I was just miserable on the inside. Today I find myself ‘happy’. I just happen to weigh more than I want to. But, I’m actually happy.

    So, I am keeping things in perspective. The health aspect is important, the comfort feeling is important, the happiness is important. The fact that I am no longer a physical goddess, no big deal. I’m a much more amazing person now, I just weigh more…

    And Kudos to you for taking your wife on a ‘date’.

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