one liners to live by (looooong post)
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
A gentleman is a patient wolf.
A good pun is its own reword.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
Be naughty – it’s better than what Santa was gonna leave you anyway
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Everything will be okay in the end; if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
Help wanted: Psychic. You know where to apply.
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer.
Never interrupt your enemy while he’s making a mistake.
Never let your sense of morality prevent you from doing what is right.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
Smith & Wesson: the original point and click interface.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.