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deep secrets revisited

January 10, 2008

an online friend of mine came across a post i had written back in may (and reprinted here on my new blog in august). she commented on it, which of course drew my eye back to read it anew as she had done.

below is an excerpt

we are only as weak as our deepest secrets.

once your secrets are out in the open, no one can threaten you with them.

there is no more fear that someone might *find out*

and suddenly we find ourselves-Free.

to para-quote my favorite author from the eighties, stephenDonaldson ::

the heart cherishes secrets not worth keeping

my heart has been cherishing secrets of late. that is why i haven’t been blogging much. it’s not that i have nothing to say but that what i would say i don’t want anybody to know.

but i started this blog for the express purpose of putting notions like that in their place.

for all the world to see

i haven’t been keeping any secrets from my family. they are the ones i am always myself around. no matter how ugly that self might get.

but it is a truism that when things get rough i compartmentalize, i clam up, draw inside my shell. i have done that lately.

my wife and i have faced some brutal financial issues this year. i’m talking to the point that our tax returns, her yearly bonus, and perhaps a chunk of our retirement are all going to go to save the house and bring us current on our outstanding debt.

as a result of our lingering debt and a valiant attempt at making christmas happen for our kids, i went off both my diabetes and blood pressure meds for nearly 3 months. yes, the same months that i also pseudo went off my diet and ate a lot more blood-sugar raising carbs than i should have.

leaving me in the current lurch of having little to no energy and an almost non-existent sex drive (tmi? go read another blog).

all of this has served to drive an uncomfortable wedge between my wife and i. not a dire, marriage threatening, fighting all the time wedge, but rather a sad, empty, lonely-in-each-other’s-arms kind of wedge.

T fights the same worries and concerns that i do, but she often feels she must do so in silence, while i tend to vent-at-will.

probably one of those deals where we should switch. she probably wants me to stop worrying and radiate courage and i know i would like her to stop radiating courage and confide in me.

on the up side, we now have our insurance arranged (we did this back in november but it didn’t go into effect until the 1st of january) so that we are better able to afford my meds (i pick them up in the morning) and once our taxes do come in next month we will have a little more room to breathe.

this isn’t a cry for help

this isn’t me griping about an untenable situation

this post isn’t for you at all, i’m afraid . . . it is for my wife . . . who has quietly been waiting on the verge of tears for me to tell her what’s on my mind. and what is on my mind is just trying to be better at what i feel i am supposed to be doing. namely supporting our family.

i was never that guy who conveniently *forgot* his wallet on a date. i’m old fashioned. i’ve always viewed provision as my *job* in the relationship. and with all that has gone on this year i’ve failed in that to a miserable extent.

i have felt quietly ashamed for over a year now.

my wife hasn’t spoken a word of blame. my kids don’t look at me with reproach. though they all look at me kinda sad sometimes, as if they’re wondering when that fun guy they gleefully added to their family five years ago is going to come back.

we are all only as weak as our deepest secrets.

my diabetes has reached a point where the capillaries in my eyes have begun rupturing, putting pressure on the back of my eye causing my vision to blur around the edges. they are going to have to go in with a laser and cauterize no less than 15 of them in my right eye alone.

90% of what i love and do in life is based on sight.

i am scared to death.

between our mortgage increasing and my salary being cut we are barely keeping hold of our house.

i am scared to death.

i am stuck in a nowhere dead end job with no prospects and a boss who blocks my every attempt to move elsewhere in the company and a criminal record that makes the prospect of going somewhere outside the company tenuous at best.

i am scared to death.

but i am not willing to sit by and be silently scared.

prison taught me a lot about futility. scared is a good motivator. but it can also paralyze. i can keep living like i’ve been living and end up blind, broke, and homeless

or i can fight.

vomiting this all out onto the pseudo-permanence of the internet is the first step.

if i’m right. if we really are only as weak as our deepest secrets, then i am bound and determined to keep no secrets. because as tough as this year was, it was not as miserable as the year (the month, the week, the day, the hour, the minute) before my family came into my life.

they are worth fighting for

my life is worth fighting for

and that’s the next step i guess: giving my wife those two statements to wave in my face the next time i get all mopey and complacent.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 10, 2008 23:15

    Thank You…

    And I will scream them at you.

    I love you.

    Finally, more than a sentence.

  2. January 11, 2008 00:10

    you are without a doubt the pickiest wife i’ve ever had

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