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if you were to die today . . .

September 29, 2007

anyone who has sat through more than one service at the same baptist church has probably heard that phrase attached to the closing altar call.

if you were to die today would your soul end up in heaven or in hell?

or some variation on that theme.

some pastors are really good at dishing out the gory details on just how you might die today.

it’s a fearfest and it stopped impressing me years ago.

what i have come to realize as i get older is that i care less and less what might happen to me once i die, and more and more what will happen to those i leave behind.

that thought concerns me greatly

and sometimes scares me more than the threat of hell ever did

many of you have read the post just before this one :: the everlovin’ saturday edition of the f r i d a y F a n t s y that i posted this morning.

i wrote it while my wife was still sleeping, but a couple hours later she was awake and we were discussing it. turns out she liked the post, so i started teasing her about how comfortable she would be with another man.

the long and short of which was that she surprised me with a very candid comment.

the gist of which was that, if i was dead, she could indeed be comfortable with another man. and that’s about when i stopped teasing her.

i stopped teasing because what she said so casually struck me as utterly profound.

my wife fled arizona after several years of marriage to an abusive gay man, and a couple failed attempts at finding love apart from him with men who, near as i can tell, were more interested in themselves than in her.

for all our connection and as close as you’ve all seen us on these blogs, she wasn’t even sure she was ready to trust me at that point.

she certainly wasn’t about to try trusting any other male on the hazy face of this little blue rock.

so it is no surprise that our start, for all it’s boldness, had its tentative moments.

she put me through the *meet my kids* test immediately, and launched several other tests at me in a dizzying barrage, including the *i’m still in contact with my ex (maybe not so ex) lover / boyfriend* test.

(surprisingly enough, i passed that one by refusing to put up with it – not that i forbade her to be in contact with him, but in forcing her to decide which one of us she planned to be romantic with)

over the years we have become much closer and learned so much more about one another.

truth be told i was a bloody wreck when she found me, and i can tell you from personal observation and experience two broken people are almost never good for each other.

but as it turned out, all our broken pieces fit each other in ways they had never fit together when we were somewhat whole but apart.

so on the way in to work today i thought about what my wife had said and i am proud of how far she has come . . . and proud that that is my legacy to her.

i know if i died today my wife would grieve. she would mourn.

and she would eventually move on to enjoy another healthy relationship

and i think that . . . the ability to trust again . . . is something i have given her

so whatever comes next, bring it on.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. September 29, 2007 21:33

    Typing through tears…

    You have given that to me, and that gift is something that I will treasure. I don’t want to lose you, I would grieve tremendously. It would take years to even be able to face another day. You would be the love of my lifetime.

    I have also realized that I suck at being alone.

    Please don’t die before me.

  2. September 29, 2007 21:40

    i’ll do my best.

    maybe we can go together. i’m not so good at the alone thing either.

  3. September 30, 2007 19:33

    Wow. What a great realization. Instead of feeling hurt by the truth, you realized the truth behind the truth.

    Sometimes I can’t express myself well at all but I think you know what I mean.

  4. September 30, 2007 20:49

    Oh this is great. I’m very recently divorced and I haven’t had much luck in the relationship department so reading this gave me a little added courage so that when I find the right guy I can think to myself, “bring it on”

  5. October 1, 2007 01:39

    @ holly –
    no, i do understand.

    i’m a long way from the boy who would have turned her words into my own personal barb (and tried to make her feel guilty for it to boot) . . . but not so far removed that i don’t remember how that bleeptard used to act and think.

    no, young love talks a good talk, but it is invariably a selfish kind of love

    mature love honestly what’s best for the one they love.

    i love it that my wife has come to this place. i love to see her so confident.

    there is nothing sexier than confidence

    @ bibliomom –
    that’s great. given that you’ve gone through a divorce i’d guess it’s safe to say you’ve already been robbed of a sizable chunk of your life . . . don’t let yourself be robbed of any more.

    there are people out there who just suck.

    there is also someone amazing waiting just for you.

  6. October 1, 2007 01:42

    😯 gak – can you believe akismet sent my own comment to the spam filter. wtf, man?!

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