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sexuality :: genetic imperative or controlable urge?

April 10, 2007

you know you wanna. question is :: are you gonna?

put in a position of *have sex* or *don’t have sex* i think it’s a safe bet to say women would have an easier time choosing to not have sex than men.

especially the women who are having sex with men. (and i can’t say i blame them there)

but is this really because women have more control?

i tend to think not so much.

having spent 8 1/2 years in prison i am now fairly confident that i will not actually die from lack of sex, no matter how miserable i get.

but that’s a controlled environment.

given the choice of having sex or not having sex i generally prefer having sex.

until i’ve had sex

then my preference is rolling over and slipping into a noisy snoring coma.

(what can i say, i can’t debunk all the sterotypes)

but i have heard from women and i have heard from men and the prognosis seems to be that women have more control in the area of sexuality.

but i don’t buy it.

that they exercise more control is manifest, but i am not sure that that directly translates into having more control.

still, the fact remains, women pretty much expect men to have no control sexually and i have even heard men reinforce this belief by implying (or stating outright) that they simply have needs that must be met.


as a married man, i exercise sexual control on a daily basis. i’m not saying women throw themselves at me, but i do know that all my time and attention is reserved for my wife (and i wouldn’t have it any other way, btw)

but i think therein lies the crux.

when women take control by opting out, saying no, what have you – it isn’t really taking a supreme effort of will.

because for women, sex is not the prize, at best it’s the packaging. it’s nice, it’s pretty, but there better be something inside. something with heart, emotion, commitment, etc.

now that’s not to say women don’t ever enjoy sex just for sex, but you can bet it will be on their terms every time when they do.

guys have no such terms

we have no illusion of control

you’re willing to have sex with us – nice.

and again, i’m not saying guys are shallow, we just really like sex. could we say no? erm, sure . . . but why?

that is also not to say that guys can’t be out there looking for more.

we don’t pick our lifemate (hopefully) based on who was the best lay. we want someone we are compatible with just as much as the women do.

just, in the process of getting from here to there, we don’t see much point in not at least finding out who the best lay is. 8)

when it comes down to men and women i think the big issue is we try to look at the opposite gender through the imperatives of our own gender so that, instead of seeing what is there, we see our own agenda overlaid on what is there and create monsters where none exist.

this is probablly worth a post in and of itself, but it has been my experience that the more two people are committed to exclusivity the better the sex gets. not just with each other, but period.

sex, good sex, is about intimacy, about knowing your partner and being known by your partner.

a good friend of mine on the web has a counter argument to that involving one night stands being the perfect sexual venue due to a total lack of expectation (and this is a female friend) but i think my stance holds up better over the long haul.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. April 10, 2007 17:45

    I wouldn’t say that one-night stands are better (and this is Tom Robbins, not my argument), just that they’re more honest because there isn’t a sort of sexual altruism involved. They meet on the premise that they’re out for their own good, and they part with that premise intact.

    Personally, I don’t believe in one night stands. Unless he proves to be absolutely insane somewhere between the insertion of slot A into tab B, and the Zzz’ing out, if I thought enough of him to get naked once, chances are, I’ll do it again and again.

    Because you’re absolutely right (at least where I’m concerned). The sex I choose to have is entirely on my terms. Which isn’t to say that he has no say in the matter, just that they must be extremely similar to mine.

    Which probably explains my dry spell.

  2. April 10, 2007 17:49

    I am not emotionally able to have a one night stand. I get way too attached. Marriage works best for me.

  3. April 10, 2007 19:19

    ***if I thought enough of him to get naked once, chances are, I’ll do it again and again. ***

    excellent philosophy 8)

    forgive me if i misquoted you. i was a bit rushed.

    which is extremely fortunate for me! 😉

  4. April 11, 2007 20:03

    No worries. I just wanted to clarify that I’m now down with them, personally speaking.

  5. April 11, 2007 21:19

    given the opportunity to either have sex or not have sex, I HAVE ROCKIN monkey sex, baby! I used to think I was usual, that my high libido made me more like a man, but this sexblog thing I do has taught me there are women out there that are just like me, horny, thinking about sex and wanting it all the time.

    So, just wanted to point out that women aren’t always how you portrayed them here.

    (did I miss something about the one night stand thing here, cause I thought you meant just in general)

  6. April 12, 2007 04:06

    While I agree that sex with a single partner can be an intense experience, unparalleled by other casual encounters, I don’t discount them. For myself the pleasure of a familiar partner is that of knowing all the right buttons to press, the perfect combination of movements that achieve guaranteed orgasms and the possibility of extending their duration or intensity.

    However, exploring sex with a different partner is excited for different reasons. One night stands add new sensations and enhance the experience with a high dose of adrenaline and that’s a pleasure center stimulus every bit as addicting as sexual climax.

    my $0.02.

    btw, love your blog. I found it by backtracking through links on the “Thinking Blogger” award meme.

  7. April 12, 2007 08:22

    monkeySex is our friend. 😉
    as i have said before, my wife is cut from the same mold, so i don’t mean to imply that women aren’t just as randy as men (in my experience they are often more so) just that they are more likely to be choosy about their partners.

    as for the 1 night stand thing that was more tossed in as an aside. it wasn’t the thrust of the post.

    i knew i should have kept the last three paragraphs aside and made a whole other post out of them.

    new sex with a new person is always exciting and i don’t know that that excitement can truly be relived with a regular partner. you can do new things, and that carries with it an excitement all its own, but it’s not the same excitement, because you have built that level of comfort and trust.

    with a new partner there is always an element of danger, a greater risk of rejection, and the thrill of the unknown.

    but again, that was an aside at the end of my post that i really didn’t go into detail with. perhaps i’ll take a stab at that tomorrow on my day off


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