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10 ways to off yourself in an empty holding Cell

March 23, 2007

disclaimers ::

okay, first of all – all you j@ck@ss fans :: do not try this at home (or anywhere else for that matter)

secondly – these methods have not been (and should not be) tested. they are for (sick) entertainment purposes only

thirdish – these methods were compiled by me whilst sitting in an 8′ X 6′ cinderblock and concrete jail cell with a small horizontal-slit window, a steel encased ceiling lighting fixture that was mostly out of reach, a solid steel door with vertical-slit window (ie-not bars), a solid-weld double bunk bed (no springs, etc), and the inevitable stainless steel toilet/sink

fourthmost – my only posessions were a wool blanket, jumpsuit, underwear, t-shirt, socks, and slippers; a small bar of soap; 1 roll of toilet paper; a magazine (national geographic)

background check – why did i come up with this carp? because part of the intake process (which was new to me @ the time) involved asking if i planned to commit suicide. a near impossibility in my little cell, ill-equiped as i was.

so when they put me back in the cell with nothing better to do for several hours, i started thinking up ways i might accomplsih the feat, resulting in the list below.

the original list contained 22 items, but i’ve forgotten many of them in the intervening years.


1 drown yourself in the toilet

  • likelihood of success :: minimal. most living beings don’t have what it takes to end their lives in slow agony
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: small.
  • unavoidable nickname :: swirly

2 gouge your wrists open on some sharp bit of metal on the bed

  • likelihood of success :: fair. if you gouged deep enough and did it late at night then curled into bed under the wool blanket you might have time to bleed out before some curious guard came in poking around
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: medium.
  • unavoidable nickname :: limpy

3 crush your own windpipe by laying under the bunk, pressing it up, and plunging one steel leg into your own throat.

  • likelihood of success :: good, if you could lift the bed high enough and nobody caught you at it.
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: high.
  • unavoidable nickname :: deepthroat

4 break your neck by sticking your head in the toilet and flipping your body over (the stainless steel toilet/sink has a broad lip that one might lodge one’s forehead against for this acrobatic maneuver)

  • likelihood of success :: 50/50 chance of ending up parapalegic instead
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: pretty damn high
  • unavoidable nickname :: acrocrap

5 break the plastic cover over the flourescent light fixture (presumablly with my bare fists) and use a jagged chunk of it to savage your own jugular/carotid

  • likelihood of success :: small. very little leverage to reach the fixture
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: pretty damn high
  • unavoidable nickname :: smiley

6 quietly remove the plastic cover, remove the lightbulbs and try to electrocute yourself.

  • likelihood of success :: nil. at home, on accident, i’m sure you could electrocute myself. in a tiny cell, barely able to reach the fixture, on purpose? not happening
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: pretty small.
  • unavoidable nickname :: sparky

7 break your neck by toppling off the top bunk onto the concrete floor

  • likelihood of success :: of breaking your neck? decent. of doing a good enough job to die from it? slim
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: high
  • unavoidable nickname :: superfly

8 dashing your own brains out against the wall

  • likelihood of success :: nil. concussion tops. most folk don’t have the will to do that much damage to themselves under their own steam
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: high
  • unavoidable nickname :: crash

9 tear your blanket into long strips to braid into a rope to hang yourself with

  • likelihood of success :: small. the only thing to tie it to was the bunk, so short of actually breaking your neck (unlikely) you could just stand up when you ran out of air
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: medium
  • unavoidable nickname :: stretch

10 smack your head on the corner of the bunk and knock a 2″ wedge out of your brain

  • likelihood of success :: decent, if you had the nerve not to hold back.
  • likelihood of embarassing permanent damage in the event of failure :: uber high
  • unavoidable nickname :: 3rd eye blind
18 Comments leave one →
  1. March 24, 2007 02:41

    Very good. Brings back a few memories …

  2. March 24, 2007 08:23

    or maybe not so much?

  3. March 24, 2007 14:01

    I spent some time in prison back in 87 and 88. Your post brought back a few memories, that’s all. I didn’t try and kill myself or anything.

  4. March 24, 2007 15:04

    ah. well that’s good to hear.

    *curmudgeonly dead* just doesn’t have the same ring to it 😉

  5. Crystal permalink
    March 24, 2007 17:18

    You are a sick, twisted individual.

    And I like that about you.

  6. March 24, 2007 19:31

    ugh. don’t you know better than to call a schizophrenic nutjob an *individual*

    it only sets us to arguing! >)

  7. March 25, 2007 00:48

    Damn dude, i thought i was sick in the head! That’s just messed up. Although I’ve never been in prison.

  8. March 25, 2007 07:48

    A thing that I distinctly remember, and I guess it’s something that I won’t ever forget, is the horrible echoing noise of chest paddles being used to try and revive new inmates down the corridor outside my cell, who had committed suicide after not being able to put up with the shouts and jeers that other inmates had directed towards them through the cracks of cells doors. When I look back on my experience of being in prison as a teenager, it’s that that I remember, clearly. It’s a very sad game that some inmates play, to see who’ll break and do away with themselves through hanging or self-mutilation.

  9. March 25, 2007 08:22

    you’re not sick in the head, brent.

    you just have misguided politics.

    i was fortunate to have only been one or two places that openly encouraged suicides. and doubly fortunate never to have seen anyone make the attempt.

  10. March 25, 2007 11:42

    Misguided? How so? Is my own individual and original thought guided by someone other than myself? It’s only one man’s opinion.

    It isn’t my fault if some highschoolers want to emulate my philosophies. I’m a grown-ass man.

    When I was 17 or 18, I thought I knew everything. Boy was I wrong! Not even close!

    Sometimes I wish I could go back and be that young again, and undo all the screw-ups that I have done over the years! It’s far easier to mess things up, than it is to fix them.

    When I said I was sick in the head, I was referring to something else totally outside of politics. That didn’t even cross my mind.

    But anyway…I was only kidding with you.

    I’m glad you didn’t go through with it. I happen to enjoy speaking with you.

    Stay cool dude. Talk to you next time!


  11. March 25, 2007 11:55

    okay, if you think your thoughts aren’t guided/influenced then i take it all back and label you delusional instead.

    and i still don’t see you as sick in the head, though admittedly my information on you is limited to what i’ve found in your blog and what my friend at the fbi saw fit to share with me.

    as for *going throgh with it* there was no worry on that end. in that respect i do not emulate my father even peripherally. it was merely a humorous exercise to occupy the mind while i had no other stimuli.

  12. March 25, 2007 21:24

    Oh yeah, what did the FBI have to say about me?

  13. March 25, 2007 22:40

    *mostly harmless*

  14. March 26, 2007 00:26

    Mostly harmless? I find this hard to believe.

  15. March 26, 2007 00:57

    that is because you have delusions of grandeur. 8)

    ask around. your friends will probablly agree with this assessment.

  16. March 26, 2007 14:44

    There is some sick shit on this blog.

    And I wholeheartedly approve.

    You’ve inspired me to loose. Thanks.

  17. March 26, 2007 14:44

    Oops, that was LET loose.

  18. March 26, 2007 14:51

    ty 8)
    always happy to help the sick and twisted move ever onward

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