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faith gone Salth

November 11, 2006

“shaken faith is like a shaken tree. it brings all the fruit to where you can get at it. a shameful faith is the one that sits and waits and rots, never questioning its fate. we all have to learn that or risk becoming the worst sort of hypocrites.”

no L

(that was to my eldest daughter. she knows what it means). we now return you to your regularly scheduled post, already in progress ::

i don’t think faith is something you can lose, per se, but if it is not a blind faith it can evolve. it can be shaken, as the lessons of youth give way to adult understanding.

sometimes this is innocuous, a shift in perspective rather than a revelation of falsehood. sometimes you find that what you were taught just isn’t so. i grew up baptist and have had to un-learn much of what i was taught. i don’t think i was deliberately misinformed, i was simply informed by some seriously misinformed people, and when i finally went back and studied the same source material for myself i came to vastly different conclusions.

indeed, i also came to the conclusion that it was not simply an ‘agree to disagree’ situation, but that what they had taught me was wishful thinking at its worst, because not only did the text completely refrain from supporting their position, it blatantly stated a position wholly to the contrary.

and that was the beginning of my divergent path. my crisis of faith did not cause my faith to crumble into ruins because the crisis came face to face with my faith…and though i was disillusioned i could neither forget nor deny the thousands of times my prayers had been answered, the countless times i had been comforted when no comfort was to be found. despite the fact that much of what i had been taught of god was a teetering house of cards, everything that i had experienced of god was indeed a strong tower.

i don’t even know what to call myself anymore.

still, while i suspect that christianity as a whole would disagree with a loud and indignant shout, i still consider myself of the household of the faithful. i still believe in the creator. i still walk a narrow path (though i cannot say ‘straight’ and narrow. my path is as convoluted as any mirrorhouse maze). i still pray. i hope.

but i wonder.

am i a new kind of christian? or have i reverted to something more primitive? or do i simply delude myself? time will tell.

there’s a phrase that makes christians nervous. afraid. ‘time will tell’

sometimes i give into that angst myself.

then i recall all i have experienced of god and i believe i know better. time will tell indeed.

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